I’m Grieving The Kind Of Motherhood I Wish I Had – Women’s Mothers

When I became pregnant with my first child in 2006, there was no doubt in my mind what I envisioned for my new family: I wanted to be a stay at home mom. I grew up with the mother that we had at home, and I wanted my children to be with her all the time. I wanted to be with them as much as possible, even if it meant sacrificing myself as a single-income family. My husband at the time agreed, and I was fortunate to have 13 and a half years as a stay-at-home parent.

It wasn’t easy—any stay-at-home parent can help you through that—but we did. We walked slowly and did well in our little ears.

The explosion went off in 2019 my marriage ended, and I suddenly found myself as a single mother of three children. Child support in our community is ridiculous – try raising three kids on $1,200 a month in this economy – and I knew I had to get back to work, and fast.

Almost immediately, I got a job here at Latched Mama. And I was surprised that I liked it! I loved using my brain in ways I hadn’t since college. I loved meeting new people. I realized that I really enjoyed working outside the home—and to this day, I enjoy the challenge, the growth, and the pride of earning my living.

However, despite all the good, there is sadness.

I miss the days when I used to volunteer in my children’s classrooms and attend PTA meetings. There are days when I miss our quiet life and having time at home to (maybe) do chores. When I see old photos of those early years, it stirs something in me—sadness, longing, and heartbreak. Don’t get me wrong: I LOVE my life now. But when I can’t take my kids to the park on school holidays or go to a class party, the guilt is there—and it hurts.

The truth is, the life I am living now is not the same as the one I imagined when I saw those two pink lines slowly appearing in 2006. Sometimes it feels like it has failed. Sometimes grief begins. But when the fog lifts, and it always does, I see the beauty of what we have built. Our life may not be what I planned, but it is full of strength, growth, and lots of love.

I’m learning to let go of the shame of dreams that didn’t play out the way I hoped. I am learning to accept the future—whatever it may look like—with an open heart. It’s not a good way, but the sad times are fewer now, and softer.

Because this version of my family – the one I have today – is also beautiful.