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There is a lot about how important it is for parents to bond with their child and it’s easy to feel stressed. Try not to worry if you don’t feel as close to your child as you would like. Many parents find that over time with a little gentle guidance, intimacy happens without too much effort.
Why compatibility is important
Bonding, also called emotional bonding, is a natural way to ensure a child’s survival. They need to develop a close relationship with the people they need to ensure that they will grow to independence. Collaboration also helps to lay the foundation for a child’s development and quality of life throughout their childhood. [1]
Togetherness also helps children grow physically and mentally. They learn that the world is usually a safe place and that they will be protected from danger if there is a connection between them and their caregivers.
I just can’t hear it!
Some parents describe an instant love when their child is born. And it is not uncommon for mothers to talk about bonding with their growing baby during pregnancy. It’s also true that most parents don’t feel much when their baby is born, other than being relieved that labor and birth are over now.
Bonding isn’t always instant – it can take time for us to fall in love with our children.
There is no ideal window of time when the agreement should be made. It is not uncommon for parents to feel anxious when they are not very interested in the first few days and weeks and feel inadequate or that there is something wrong with them. But as with most things in life, it’s not helpful if we try too hard and overanalyze.
Sometimes it’s helpful to try turning down the volume on the thinking part of our brain and turning up the listening part. We are hardwired to bond with our children. But for many parents and for various reasons, this does not happen as quickly as we would like.
Reasons why a relationship can take its sweet time
- When the baby was unplanned and/or not the preferred gender.
- When pregnancy/labor/birth has been difficult.
- A baby is born prematurely and needs special care. This is especially true if the child and the mother are separated.
- When there are problems with breastfeeding.
- Communication problems between us and our parents.
- Other problems such as mental illness, housing, work, or financial problems. Both have the power to ‘overshadow’ everything else that is happening in our lives.
- There is never enough time to enjoy a child because there are so many demands on our time.
Sometimes it’s hard to know why a deal doesn’t happen as quickly as we’d like. The baby may be restless, cry a lot or not respond easily to comfort measures.
Ten tips to help you stay with your child
- Spend time with your child, just sit down and hold him. Raising young children is a very busy time and it’s easy to get overwhelmed by childcare responsibilities. Love and connection often happen when we do less ‘at’ and more ‘with’ our children. Try to find windows of time to be quiet and to be with them.
- Be close to your baby during sleep. The very safe place for babies to sleep in their cots safely in their parents’ room for 6-12 months of life. Being close to them while you sleep also helps you to have a physical and emotional connection.
- Take your time. Don’t rush whatever you’re doing, whether it’s changing nappies or setting them up. Try to stop, pause and take in what your hands are doing.
- Answer your child’s crying. This will help them feel that you are close to them and ready to direct their thoughts. Young children can have big ideas and it’s up to the adults around them to help them feel safe.
- Read books to your little one. Even from birth, babies love to read them. Choose picture books with bright colors and simple stories. You will find that your child will love the same books (or several). Reading is a fun activity that you can incorporate into your relaxation routine.
- Avoid overthinking what you should, might or might feel. You are individual, just like your child is. This means you will love and connect in your own time and in your own unique way.
- Play the song to your child and watch their responses. Remember, they don’t care if you’re not a great musician. It’s the tone, tone and tone of your voice that will help put them at ease.
- Be open to the signs or signals your child is giving you – they will help you fall in love with them. Often the baby’s smell, eye contact, small noises and uncontrollable movements are their way of reaching out and seeking connection.
- Find ways to help your child feel safe physically and emotionally. Many small babies love to wrap and hold them a lot. When they’re restless, they tend to feel a little wobbly and wobbly.
- Give yourself permission to love your child in your own unique way. Love is not the same for all of us; sometimes it’s subtle and based on what we don’t feel, not what we do. The important thing is that you are taking good care of your child and he is growing. Relationships come in good time so trust yourself and your child to support you.
Contact with the non-birth parent
Many parents who have not given birth struggle to feel that they are contributing significantly to the care of their children when they are young, especially after their child is born. breastfeeding. The baby’s care is usually about changing nappies, getting him ready for feeding and settling down.
Between mealtimes is when infertile parents can change, and support their partner.
The difference between women and men
Research has shown that mothers tend to learn more when they play with their children and their children. Whereas, fathers show more play and enjoy the game, whatever it may be.
In the first weeks of life, before children are big enough to smile and respond, it is very difficult for fathers to feel that their child is attached to them. But very quickly, around six weeks of age, babies learn social skills such as smiling, eye contact and making friends. It is not surprising that this is the time when many fathers say that they start to feel that their child knows them and begins to respond that they are there.
Remember
Go slow and be kind to yourself. And try to compare the love you have for your newborn baby with your older children whom you have known for a long time.
If you are still struggling with your relationship with your child
- Talk to your GP and/or antenatal care provider. Your Child Health Nurse is another very helpful person. Any of these health professionals can refer you to treatment that focuses on building relationships.
- Talk to your partner about your feelings. They know you and can provide you with helpful support.
- Be open to suggestions on ways to help build emotional connection. Early intervention is always helpful, even if, at first, it may not seem necessary to us.
About the Author:
Posted in Nourish Baby by Jane Barry. Jane is fully qualified in paediatrics, immunisation, midwifery and pediatric nursing. She holds a Bachelor’s Degree in Applied Science (Nursing) and has approximately 35 years of pediatric health nursing experience. She is a member of a number of professional associations including AHPRA, The Australasian Medical Writer’s Association and the Australian College of Children and Young People’s Nurses.
References
Cooperation & Cooperation | Royal Women’s Hospital (thewomens.org.au)
Connection and connection: babies | Raising Children Network
Home of trusted breastfeeding information, support and advocacy | Australian Breastfeeding Association
[1] Connection and connectedness: new born | Raising Children Network