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I have a friend who I have known for about 14 years. We met when our first children were small. We share pictures and stories. We have the same sense of humor. When we were awake and having children’s days, we used to contact each other several times in 24 hours. I know that if I ask him for help and support, he will not hesitate, and he will be honest and helpful.
But the truth is, because I would mention him in this story in a different way, we have never been in the same room. We have never met. It’s a friend in my pocket, in my phone and sometimes on my laptop (although they need really big bags).
If you would have told me twenty years ago I would be hanging out with people every day that I wouldn’t have met (and most people no meet) than my ‘real life’ friends, I would be more anxious.
But for many new parents in the 21st century, it’s completely normal. These are friends who live all over the world. You find them in social networks and you both recognize a kindred spirit and reach out to each other when things don’t seem to be going well. The original team/group may sometimes be gone but the connection has not been made.
There are hundreds of online friends you meet in your Facebook group or forum and share information and news. There are faces you recognize, admins you trust and women you offer to help and encourage you at 3am.
Informal online support cannot replace real-life groups and face-to-face sessions. Does anyone need to explain that? And I’m talking about real people, even ‘bots’ that read websites for you. No mother thinks that when she has damaged the nipples and knows that the latch is not correct, Cassie from Swindon to write twenty words and answer in front of the lactation consultant who will call tomorrow or a trained lactation consultant at the group three kilometers away.
But what do you know, Cassie it’s 11pm when you’re praying that your baby won’t wake up because you’re in so much pain that you can’t face another meal. And they are followed a few minutes later by six other people who were in your shoes a few weeks ago.
Cassie can link you to a video that has great ideas and knows that this is important to you. This is a team that listens to your goals and when you say it’s important to you to work on breastfeeding, they get it. They exist for the low and the high. Your team is a place where you can have fun, and your team has fun with you. You can happily share what is important to you.
Here are 8 things that make online breastfeeding support great:
1. People who listen first and ask a lot of questions.
When women say they are uncomfortable, you ask them more. Do you mean her breasts? Her breasts? His back or his shoulders? What has he tried so far? What do they think is going on? Of course, not all women who provide online support are trained in breastfeeding support, but some principles apply to anyone providing support. Good people ask for more information.
2. Knowing that your experience is not for everyone.
It can be tempting to talk about ‘what worked for you’ right away, but first, we start with the person’s wants and needs.
3. Knowing that this is a conversation with many vulnerable people who are listening.
The person who started the post may not be the person who benefits the most from this. They may be too shy to start a conversation or someone who searches the group weeks and months later. They can be people who don’t know what it means so many ‘DD’ and ‘DS’ and ‘IYSWIM’ and ‘AFAIK’ can be aloof and isolated.
4. Knowing what you don’t know.
I’ve been known to get excited when I see someone say, “I don’t know” while writing something else. Three cheers for the person who says, “there might be a problem we can’t figure out right now so why not talk to X”. And a wet raspberry for someone who just says, “pump more,” or “Sounds like you have thrush.” You don’t know a person’s health or well-being. You never know someone’s support network. Maybe you don’t know something that a trained person knows.
Who do you mean? With any medication question, it can be a medication provided by the Breastfeeding Network. The answers can be on the medicine page or you can send an email or send a Facebook message.
It may be that someone needs a breastfeeding support group. They can be found on the ABM website, the Breastfeeding Network website or simply look for someone’s hometown and ‘breastfeed’.
National Helplines can be invaluable. Their volunteers will be trained to ask the right questions.
Breastfeeding Helpline – 0300 100 0212
Nursing Mothers’ Union – 0300 330 5453
La Leche League – 0345 120 2918
National Childbirth Trust (NCT) – 0300 330 0700
They may need a lactation consultant (lcgb.org) or a private tongue tie specialist (www.tongue-tie.org.uk).
They may need to return to their GP or midwife or visit them.
5. Reading what other people have already said.
Hooray, for the person who says, “I see someone already said, Y and I just want to add Z” and a wet raspberry for the person who just repeats what was said an hour ago. If you have time to read the original person’s question, you have time to read some of the comments that are already there. You might miss a big twist. Maybe someone has already asked questions and learned the basics and what you have provided may not be helpful. Sometimes it’s better to stop and write when you have time to think. It’s better to say, “I’m sorry I don’t have time to read all the comments, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re having a hard time,” rather than commenting without reading a small part of the discussion and missing something important. Yes, it may take some time to upload comments to your phone. It’s also a good idea to wait and show brownie points to people who take a few minutes to find out what’s going on, so they can provide the right support.
6. Compassionate people.
They know that the first job is to help someone feel supported. They may not agree with the previous comment, but they manage the things with an emotional intelligence that means that the first image does not feel like they are in the middle of a squabble at a time when they feel vulnerable. They know that new parents are stressed and people can read the wrong things online and they give people the opportunity to question and ask questions before making a decision. They are kind enough to volunteer and try and help.
7. Fab admin.
Three celebrations and then three more to entertain the moderators of Facebook groups and online forums. They are people who know when to stop talking. He knows when to raise a gentle eyebrow when a mother complaining about milk is told to eat nursing cakes and drink lots of water. They know when to connect with the right story and signs to real life when someone is just saying, ‘don’t worry’ about a child who is not as fat as we would expect. There is a group that looks after each other. No admin ever gets bored and there is a very careful rota system. The reason breastfeeding support organizations don’t like to run their online support groups is because burnout is a big problem and when a volunteer who has trained for sometimes two years plus burns out, it’s a big loss. Being an admin is a big responsibility. When you are identified as representing a particular organization, it becomes a real legal responsibility. Even without this, you are taking responsibility for the health of the most vulnerable. You need a caring community. The main admin creates a safe environment. A good manager knows that they may have a lot to learn because EVERYONE of value in the world knows they have a lot to learn. Without them, thousands and thousands of new parents would not get the support they need. Thank you, webmasters.
8. ‘Special’ groups.
The one for breastfeeding twins and triplets, for relactation, which has people who breastfeed older children, which has your team who get what you’re going through and when you find them you feel like you’re at home. Yay to the people who decided to start it and respond to people who hang around even after their experiences to help those who are going through a difficult time.
Online breastfeeding support can be magical. It can inform us and encourage us and lead us to the right knowledge. It can bring people together and become the ‘community’ we are often told we need to raise a child. In a breastfeeding support group, what would be the chances that you would find someone with a shared problem?
Our pocket friends can help us get through the day. Just raise an eyebrow at anyone who says we can do without a subsidy that no longer fits your pocket. Families need everything.