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Yesterday, I met a wonderful grandmother. I was hanging out at home and she was staying with her daughter after the arrival of her first grandchild. He had that ability to exist without being a PO all the time. He was quiet during the conversation and sometimes seemed to be doing something else, but his ears were always alert. When his daughter asked the question, he was there. He gave feedback at the right time and had the right motivation and admitted that this was difficult.
At one point, the mother was hoping to cut down on the bottles and go into more breastfeeding. Right now, he’s doing the painful routine of breastfeeding and pumping and bottle feeding and it’s hard. She thought about keeping one bottle for her husband to relax and her mother reminded her that once she breastfeeds, breastfeeding can feel like “relaxation”. It’s a ‘sit down’ opportunity to get rid of the load. This is often true in societies that expect women to complete a dozen other tasks in addition to caring for a newborn. And the princess smiled. Right then, he needed a reminder that things would be easy.
This grandmother had breastfed. She remembered that one child was easy and the other was difficult, but breastfeeding was normal. They were comfortable breastfeeding. He believed it. He knew it worked. The nursing faith had seeped into her daughter’s pores. Despite her suffering, she was confident that her problems could be solved, and her husband also had that confidence. I have never met his mother.
I meet a lot of grandparents. I meet people who make excuses to get me into the kitchen and it turns out they weren’t pushing a cup of tea (as many are) but they wanted to take a moment to talk about their breastfeeding experiences. It was decades ago – often 30 years plus – but in front of me is a concerned woman and she is not the one I expected to help. She may be worried about her daughter or granddaughter but often looks back on her own parenting experiences and wants to share them. They may tell me that they haven’t breastfed at all and they need me to know that. Sometimes they regret: “I wish I knew someone like you when my babies were little” is a common saying. Sometimes he gets angry because you don’t help him. I have been angry at the lack of support he received from his OWN mother.
When we help mothers, we also create future grandparents. One day he might lock someone in the kitchen. What will he say? Will she be filled with sadness, anger that her breastfeeding group has been cut, anger at her lack of midwife visits? And we are making grandparents too. Opportunities to help now will be felt for generations. And when support is available for new mothers, we are helping a baby that will not be born for another century.
It takes a lot of maturity to come to terms with your grief, appreciate what happened to you and how you failed to be a valuable grandparent to a new generation. It’s a big question. And how easy it is when a woman was able to achieve her own goals of breastfeeding and breastfeeding for her is a happy memory, not a place where she is feeling terrible.
The grandmother I met in the kitchen sometimes thought everything was fine. He didn’t realize that he regretted anything. Feeding their newborn child was a long time ago and when they suddenly experience and see breastfeeding again, a great emotion has surprised them.
Sometimes we know that surgery can lead grandparents down unhelpful paths. It is natural to want to protect yourself. It is natural to want reassurance that what you did was the ‘right way’. How you choose your mother is at the heart of who you are as a woman. And after a long time, you may have forgotten that you may not have been able to decide how you feed your child. Was it your decision when your health care provider told you to only breastfeed every four hours, or not to breastfeed at night, or to keep your baby in the hospital for a few hours? You were interrupted, but you probably didn’t realize it at the time. You may not know that trying to lead a new parent down the same path is another way to do it.
Now, the child is in front of you again. This new woman is making very different choices. They are doing something called ‘submissive feeding’. They don’t even use stretchers. It seems that she doesn’t mind if her son eats again after only an hour. He doesn’t even want to put the baby down. It can all feel very strange. It can also seem like a real challenge to the weeks and months you spent as a mother. You remember worrying about the babies being ‘hungry’ and wanting to fix this, but these mothers don’t care. because her child may want to come to the breast. It takes a special person to stop and admit that some of your struggles may be due to wanting to validate your parenting decisions.
If you haven’t breastfed at all, you want to believe that your babies are healthy. Seeing someone unhappy with formula feeding is a hard thing to see when it was ALL you did. Even reading pamphlets and books can be difficult.
If you breastfed, it may have been very different. Someone told you not to ‘spoil’ your child and you believed them, and it’s hard to think that you might have been misled. Maybe your mother or mother-in-law didn’t give you the support you needed and now you’re trying to solve the problem. It’s difficult.
Thank you for living in a world where new parents are often lonely and isolated. I have seen the difference you can make. I salute the grandmother who used to wake up at night to be with her daughter-in-law while she nursed (and was in charge of the towels and the spinning). I salute the grandmother who put the baby in a sling while the mother slept. I salute the grandmothers who lived far away and whose gift was the doula’s time after giving birth during those difficult weeks. And for some mothers who don’t have friends, grandmothers can be involved in raising a child.
Right now there are grandparents who are bringing people together in the best possible way. There are those who live far away who send ‘I’m proud of you’ messages. She is the one who posts breastfeeding news. We don’t care that we’ve seen this article five times on three social media platforms – we just care that you posted it.
No one expects you to know everything. It’s okay to ask questions about breastfeeding and it’s okay if you’re reading. You can do this even before the baby arrives. It’s important to know that new families sometimes want time without grandparents at the very beginning and it’s not about you. Encourage an honest discussion about how much help they need and how they want to use you.
Your job is to empower new parents to be the new parents they want to be. It will be different from how you made your choices. And that’s good. Science and research show us new things. You did what you did based on the knowledge and people around you. They will do what they want and it may change again in a few decades. We all do the best we can with what we know. If you’re saying the wrong thing or just talking out loud, that’s okay because nobody wins. Just give yourself time to reflect and learn and if you need help, it’s okay to ask.
If you hear something you don’t expect, you also call the breastfeeding helpline. You really can. The International Breastfeeding Helpline is 0300 100 0212. We can answer your questions about breastfeeding and your concerns, but we can also listen to your feelings. We know that giving birth can bring powerful emotions. Even feeding was a long time ago.
Reading:
The Importance of Grandparents to Breastfeeding Mothers by Wendy Jones
https://abm.me.uk/breastfeeding-information/grandparents/
Positive Breastfeeding book by Amy Brown
Women’s Breastfeeding Skills
And a final word, I’m sorry if you’re a breastfeeding mom without a grandma in the picture. I know it can bring up all kinds of emotions. Lactation counselors can also provide support.