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As I sat down to enjoy lunch with my toddler after putting his two-week-old baby to sleep, the baby woke up crying with gasps and then a big blowout. When I rushed to clean him up, I looked over and saw my little boy eating quietly by himself, looking down at his plate. He was obviously feeling abandoned and my heart broke.
When we had our second child, I was prepared to feel exhausted as I juggled the needs of my newborn and two-year-old. I expected my little one to be jealous of me and I was ready for him to do something about it. But what made me feel ashamed was the complete guilt of dividing my attention between my son and my baby.
I, like all mothers, am no stranger to feeling guilty. But the guilt that came with having a second child was brutal. I felt so sad that I was not with my little one like I used to be. He was angry that I couldn’t hold him while I was feeding the baby and he was upset when I told him “one minute” in response to every request he asked me. I felt like I was letting my son down. I was also so tired that I no longer had the energy to play and have fun like I used to.
When other people came to help us when we brought the baby home, they usually took care of me so that I couldn’t think too much about the baby. As a result, I found myself taking him to the park less and less, unable to do simple everyday tasks like brushing his teeth or changing a diaper, and no longer rocking him to sleep before bed. Because I chose to exclusively breastfeed my newborn, I felt trapped in this situation. I couldn’t split feed my son, who was eating 12+ times a day.
In addition to the guilt, I missed my little boy very much. I was always upset when she went to visit my husband while I stayed at home to feed the baby and make him sleep. I miss the way my daughter and I used to bond before the baby came. I mourned the loss of our family of three.
I reached out to a few friends when I was having a rough day and got some valuable advice that helped me turn things around.
Give it Time
All my friends told me that I will start to feel comfortable dividing my time between two children and wait. New things start to sink in and I feel better connecting with my little one and taking care of the baby. I needed to give myself time to learn this new skill.
Of course, by 8 weeks I realized that I had spent a whole day without feeling guilty about dividing my attention between my children. I finally had more energy, we were getting out of the house more, and we were doing more things together as a family. I spent less time breastfeeding and more time playing on the floor with my little one. I just had to wait for the negative thoughts to come out.
Make Breastfeeding a Time to Bond with Your Older Child
I kept a basket of toys and books near every place I breastfed. Every time I sat down to feed the baby, I would open a space next to me and have a game for us to play together. Now when I sit down to nurse, he usually comes next to me in the chair ready to play. It has been a special time to bond with each of my children, instead of just being a baby.
Involve Your Older Child in Child Care
My friends encouraged me to invite my little one to be with me when I changed his diaper, dressed him, or bathed him. If my younger son showed interest in helping, I would give him simple tasks that would help him bond with his sister and not feel like he was being left behind. Seeing her happiness at hearing that she was a big part of these projects helped ease my guilt even more. I watched her grow as a sister and saw the wealth her sister added to her life. It added a new dimension to how each of us interacted.
Now that I’m 16 weeks postpartum, I’ve almost forgotten what life was like before we were a family of four. I feel that I have reconnected with my little one, and the guilt of dividing my time between two children is rarely felt. There are times when my daughter tells me to “move the baby” and hold her. Most of the time, I can achieve what I want. But even if I can’t, I still remember that I’m doing a good job.